Fighting

I fight it. Everyday I fight it. Fight the thoughts. Fight the heart pounding if and when your name is mentioned. I try with all my might to convince myself that it’s nothing. That we are nothing. That it’s all in my head. In my dreams. I want to believe it isn’t so. That we aren’t so. That the dreams aren’t so. Some days I win. I win big. I’ve convinced myself. I’m over it. I’m moving on. I do move on. For a week, for a day, for an hour. But then I lose. I lose big. Because I think of you. Someone mentions your name. You call. You don’t call me. That’s playing into the dream. Playing into the hand. The hand that you’ve read. The hand that you know holds the answers. The answers you run from. The answers I sometimes run from. Sometimes attempt, feebly, to run from myself.

We run in circles. No, as someone wise told me, we run in a figure 8. Crossing then separating. Far away from each other. Then crossing paths again. The separating. Someday I’m told that half of that figure 8 will go away, somehow forming a heart. But right now, all I see is still a circle. A circle with a point. Does the point symbolize our final destination? Does the circular path eventually come to a point? Or is that point still only a crossing and then we circle around again? Right now I don’t know. I’m not sure that I’ll ever know.

I’m also not sure that my heart will ever stop pounding at the mere thought, the mere mention of your name. And it’s killing me inside. Some days are worse than others. Days when I am racing through life working, being a mom, a house keeper, a chef, it’s easier to keep the heart from pounding when you’re spoke of. But those days, like today, those days where I’m lonely. Where I’m alone with my thoughts. When I’m not running that marathon, it’s hard. It’s unbelievably hard. Some days too much to handle. Too much to comprehend. Too much to think about.

And it’s those days that make my resolve even stronger. I resolve to forget. Maybe not forget, but push through. Move past. Give up on the dream. But then, if one gives up on the dream, do we cease living? Does our life have any meaning? I sometimes wonder. Which is where my resolve weakens. So here I sit, weakened. Not used to that state. But I wait. But I won’t sit aimlessly. But know, I’m here.

 

Bad, Bad Blogger

It always seems that I have so many things to blog about. Things I want to talk about, share, but yet, when I actually have time to sit and blog, I blank. I can’t remember any of the things I wanted to write about. So then I get frustrated and I don’t blog. Then it looks like I’ve abandoned my blog. Which I never do. I just don’t get to it as often as I want to. If I were smart, I would start using part of that planner that I have with me every day and start writing the ideas down there, then when I have the time, I have a reference. But then again, that just seems to proactive and organized. So instead, until I give in and start organizing things, you get this. A rambling paragraph that I’m sure could use a paragraph break or two. But nope, this is what happens. I promise, I’ll start planning…tomorrow.

 

Random Quote

Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man. Only that moon.

 

Rollercoaster

Life is full of ups and downs. In work, home, love, just life. We constantly hope and wish that things will settle down for a little while, hell, most of us would kill for just a few minutes. And just when you think one area of your life is settling down, another steps right up to keep you on the ride. It should be said, I’m not a huge fan of rides. Especially rollercoasters. The up, the down, the loopty loops. I ride them, I get an initial thrill from them sometimes, but I don’t seek them out. Maybe because my life has been one constant rollercoaster.

Love has settled down. Meaning, there is nothing. It’s the little train circling the park. Going round and round, but never going anywhere. But wow, do you get to see the whole park, you just can’t get off to visit what you want. And once the train stops, you can’t remember how to get back to those places you saw that you REALLY wanted to visit.

Home. How to describe home? It’s like the Music Express. You know, that ride that goes in circles really fast with little ups and downs and plays really loud music? That’s home. Little ups and downs, running in circles and always loud. This week M was always loud. I was completely amazed at how much that child could come up with to talk about. And it just didn’t stop. I love her to death. At least her mind is always active. That’s how I’m getting myself through it.

But work is the real ride lately. And amazingly, I’m enjoying the ride. Is it sometimes making my stomach turn? Absolutely. Is it throwing me for loopty loops? More than you know. But the loopty loops are a good thing. As sad as I am at some of the things that have happened, I realize that for the company to grow, for us to succeed we have to lose a few of the seats dragging the ride down.

I’ve never been one to like change. But these changes are good. Great even. Ones that I have secretly hoped for. Not that I ever hope for people to be affected like this. But for the company’s sake, yes, professionally I hoped for it. Does that make me cruel? No, because as a person, I personally liked most. In fact a few, I feel awful for and don’t agree with what happened with them. But for the first time, I understand and accept and am ok with the decisions made. And that bothers me. Makes me feel that I’ve become “corporate”. And maybe I have. But it’s survival of the fittest and I believe that my company can make it. I believe I can play an integral role in making it a success once again. And to do that, I must stay on the ride. Enjoy it. Get sick when I must. But throw my hands up in the air and scream for joy (and fear) when I can.

And in life, work, home, love, that’s all we can do. Something to remember when one area makes you want to get off the ride.

 

Bleeding Love

I’m one of those that when I’m listening to music, I’m listening to more than just the beat. I’m listening to the words. Some are just cool. Some you love the beat, but the words are silly. When I find a song that the words speak to me, I will listen to it over and over again. This is one of those songs. It completely describes how I’ve been feeling. Not sure why honestly. But it fits. It speaks to me.

 

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and passed

The innocent can never last

Wake me up when September ends

Enough said.

 

Mexican Proverb

The house does not rest upon the ground

But upon the woman.

 

I’m More Than That

Yes, I do know how to write more than just Happy Birthday posts. I realize it hasn’t seemed like it lately. But life has been crazy and hasn’t left much time to blog. Or by time I do have time to blog, I’m so brain dead, the thought of sitting down and typing my thoughts is too much for me to think about. Or the thoughts I’m thinking, I don’t want to think about enough to write about them. They are jumbled, private, confusing, exhausting.

But they have led me to think about what I have to offer in a relationship, in life, in love, in family. Most people focus on what they can’t offer up. I’m guilty of this myself. But we are more than what we have to offer. But taking a look at what we can and cannot offer can be therapeutic and maybe show us where we excel and where we can maybe improve.

There are a lot of things I cannot bring to the table in a new relationship. I cannot bring more kids. For those who don’t know, I can no longer have kids. But I can bring two amazingly funny, challenging and loving girls.I can promise to love and treat your children (if you have them) equally.

I cannot bring a whole heart. I’ve had my heart broken over and over again. And each time a little piece breaks off. It happens with all of us. No one ever falls in love and stays with the first person to grab their heart. Therefore we must accept that we all will come to relationship with a tattered heart and baggage. I can bring every ounce of my heart, my being, my trust, my trustworthiness, my love, and my devotion.

I can’t bring the whole “stay-at-home-and-cook-and-clean” mentality. It’s just not me. I like being challenged with work. I like the interaction that work brings. But I can bring a self-sufficient, hard-working, not afraid to work and earn a living. I can financially help support our home and our dreams. I don’t expect or even want a man to take care of me. But I do want a man who is hard-working, self-sufficient, and can financially help support our home and dreams as well. I’ve had the ones who don’t. And I don’t want that and I don’t want a man who wants me to be that. That doesn’t mean that I will shirk my duties at home. Many times, I like to clean. In fact, I’m kinda anal in that I want a clean house. I don’t expect perfection. But I will keep it clean enough that if someone pops by, we’re not embarrassed. That’s my motto. But don’t expect me to pick up your dirty underwear. Put them in the basket! It’s as easy as throwing them on the floor. Really, I promise, it’s not that hard.

I can’t bring the perfect in-laws. No one’s family is perfect. And I will never claim they are. But I can bring one fiercely strong, devoted, caring, protective families around. We love each other and we will do anything for one another. And any man with me will undoubtably at some point get frustrated with them. As I will yours. It’s how the whole in-law thing works. But they will never doubt that my family will stand behind them if someone wrongs them. Now, that man wrongs me, WATCH OUT!!! You’ve been warned. I’ve had men who haven’t liked my family. And I haven’t liked theirs. And it caused heartache. My family is important to me and I will never let another man come between that. And I will never come between yours. I’ll bring that promise too.

I can’t bring a college degree. But I can bring a wealth of knowledge on Brangelina, the Gosslins and the Jonas Brothers. Ok, maybe not. I have that knowledge, every girl how her silly outlet. But I can bring stimulating conversations, I love a good, friendly debate and I know shit. Believe it or not, I have brains too. And that brain resides above my neck, not three inches below. Treat me like the intelligent woman I am and I’ll bring that knowledge.

I have so much more that I can’t bring to the table. We all do. But I’m more than what I can’t bring to the table. I am a woman that can bring so much more to the table what than I can’t. We all need to remember what we can. Not what we can’t.

 

Thanks For Making Me Old!

Ahhh little sister. I know you have been anxiously awaiting this post. Wondering what pictures I have stored up to post about you. Worried what I might say (don’t worry, last week’s secret is safe with me!). How much am I going to embarrass you here? Lucky for you, I unfortunately do not have the wonderfully embarrassing stash of photos of you on this computer. I’m sure I could come find them. In fact, I know I could. But then I wouldn’t be able to post on your actual birthday because I’d have to find, scan and size them. And honestly, that is entirely too much work on a Saturday morning. So here goes…

I was there when you were born. Literally. I was in the room to witness you coming into this world (don’t worry, Mom. I don’t have THOSE pictures stored on my computer. You are safe as well). I was there when we decided your name and the what seemed like 4 hours trying to decide just how to spell your name. We knew we didn’t want a Britt-any. We wanted a Brit-ney. So then it was how do we spell it? We must have written down 50 different ways. And we came up with what we thought was a little bit different way to spell it. I mean, I couldn’t be the only one with an unusual way of spelling their name. So we settled on Britney. And you know what? We didn’t see any other Britney’s until…

Yeah, sorry about that. Hopefully you don’t shave your head and need a 5150 any time soon.

You were an interesting child. Difficult at times. I mean, let’s not forget the DAYS of screaming when you swallowed a tootsie pop and we had to wait for you to pass it. OMG, I did not think it would ever pass. Honestly… I was convinced that tootsie pop was never going pop out of your ass. But it did and you were once again happy.

Then you became a toddler. And boy, our brothers sure thought it would be funny to teach you swear words. And boy were you ever the willing student. You had a mouth of a sailor on you. If you didn’t get what you wanted you were pounding on our doors screaming at the top of your lungs “You stupidcocksuckingmotherfuckergoddamnyouopenthisfuckingdoorrightnowasshole” And that was if you just wanted some water. Forget about it if we REALLY pissed you off.

For some reason you had an adversion to bathing. Bath time was interesting. We were forced to pre-plan our attack. All towels and clothes must be in the bathroom and deadbolts locked before we even hinted at bath time. Otherwise you were out the door, down the street screaming “You stupidmotherfuckeri’mnottakingagoddamnbathfuckyouasshole”. Neighbors loved bath time. But you cleaned up well once you did.

You’re all grown up now. An adult. A productive member of soceity. Well, ok fine, an adult. By law. I mean, 18 is considered an adult. You can vote now. Sen. Hatch will soon be calling you telling you he would appreciate your vote in the next election. Please, before you vote, research. I mean at least a little. Otherwise, you might vote in someone like…

Disclaimer to my republican readers: I’m just kidding. I just love this picture. No rants, no yelling at me. Come on…it’s a little bit funny!

Anyway, I love you, Sis. You’re growing up. You’re beautiful. You have an amazing photography talent. You are a fabulous aunt to my daughters. They love you so much. And…you’re making me old! Yeah, you didn’t think this was going to be all about you, right? I mean, shit. You’re 18 now. Do you know how old that makes me? Ugh. Really, you youngsters need to stop growing up. Someone get me my cane. My hip hurts.

Welcome to adult life. Now go forth, pay taxes, get drunk, get crazy. Oh wait… only 18. No getting drunk. Well not legally. And we know, you do not do anything illegal. I mean you have me to kick your ass if you do! I love you!

Happy 18th Birthday. And don’t worry, by 21 I will have those embarrassing photos. Or maybe my plan was to save them all along. But wait until you find out what your “welcome to adulthood 18th birthday gift is. You’re so going to love me!!!

 

He Doesn’t Read My Blog

So this is what my little brother gets. Embarrassing photos posted of him in honor of him being thismuchcloser to turning 30. I know, he will find out about this post. And that’s ok. And he will so very quickly point out that he may be thismuchcloser to turning 30, but that I have, in fact, passed 30 and am 6 months away from being 32. And to this I say “Suck it! Because I’ve just posted the picture that you chased me around the house last year trying to keep me from getting. And guess what? Now it’s online for the WORLD to see. Take that 28! Love 31-1/2.”

He made such a pretty girl. I mean, come on. Blonde, curly hair. How could a sister not dress that up???

This picture always made me think of E.T. Hey E.T., phone home.

We didn’t always make such a great bro/sis team. I mean, just look at the picture. I am SO carrying the weight of that van.

But now, we help each other. We support each other. I said it this weekend and I’ll say it here. We may be family, but you’re one of my great friends. I know I’ve said it, but thank you for all your help and support and listening to me whine, scream, cry and laugh. And this is my birthday gift to you. For one month I promise not to say…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

I know what I’ve seen! (Edited to include “I know what I know!” “I hate knowing what I know!” or any variation of those statements)