Without Her, I’m Not Here

It’s that time of year again. When legs are bared, bikinis are dreaded, BBQs are burning and the sun is shining. It’s also that time of year when you wish the one who gave birth to you a very Happy Birthday. Because let’s face it, without her, I wouldn’t be here. Which means I wouldn’t be writing this, which means, this blog wouldn’t be here. But enough about that. I was going through what pictures I could post here that you wouldn’t kill me for posting for the world to see. But then, I remembered, that I am your first born, your favorite, the one you will always love no matter what I do to try and embarrass you (Lowe’s on Sunday. I mean, how many daughters would stand there and randomly start talking about surgical butt tucks in front of the little Lowe’s cashier? Not many, and that is why I am your favorite!)

So armed with this information, I give you memories of your favorite child. I mean, I don’t see any of your other kids dedicating a blog post just to you and your birthday. Honestly, if they did, prove it. That just means they don’t care about you like I do! And honestly, from looking at these pictures, and how adorable I was/am, how could I NOT be your favorite. It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me, I know!

Here’s looking at you, Kid!

We’ve been there together from the beginning. Well not from your beginning. I mean, I’m not THAT old.

We’ve weathered the storms. It’s been a great ride!

Even when you wanted to choke me. And I’m sure that you NEVER had those moments. I mean see above… I am your favorite!

You’re still one of my best friends. You’re always there for me. To support me when you know you shouldn’t. To cheer me up when you know I need it. To listen when I ramble. To advise me when I ask for it (and sometimes when I don’t!). Thank you for being born. And for always being there for me.

Happy Birthday! I Love You!

 

A Future Politician?

Two photos my lil sis found in a folder next to each other. Coincidence?

Yep, I see a future Governor. Or actor. Or terminator. Last one is more probably given her attitude.

 

Bad, Bad Mom

There has been a lot of internet buzz about being a “bad parent”. While I have been too busy to actually read all of the posts, the news stories and the comments, I got the general idea. The media feels that mommy or daddy bloggers are glorifying the fact that they screw up or they sometimes don’t like being parents. And they are reveling in the fact. Promoting it. Rolling naked in it like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. They are not glorifying it. They are not promoting it. They are sharing their struggles. They are showing others that “Hey, it’s ok not to be perfect. I’m not perfect, neither are my children.”

This debate couldn’t have come at a more perfect time in my life. I’ve been struggling with the fact that I occasionally feel that I am not cut out for this parenting game. I’ve been feeling awful in the sense that I have been desiring a break. That I don’t want to be around my children all the time. That sometimes, they drive me absolutely out of my mind. And it makes me feel so guilty. I love my girls with all my heart and cannot imagine my life without them. But sometimes, I get overwhelmed and exhausting in trying to keep them from fighting, forcing them to get along, making them clean up their messes. Sometimes I just want to come home and not have to cook dinner for them. Not clean up the mess. Not feel like I HAVE to spend the entire evening talking to them. All these pressures that moms are suppose to do.

It’s been ingrained in our heads that we have to get up, make them a fabulous breakfast (in the lace-lined apron, mind you), run to work, bust your ass while there (which BTW, you’re made to feel insanely guilty if you are not a SAHM, but if you aren’t, you better be pulling things off like you are), come home, cook a 5 course meal, clean up and do the dishes after, sit and play game after awful childhood game (seriously, I cannot believe we LOVED these games as children) and then lovingly put them in bed and then clean the messy house they left and finally fall exhausted into bed. Oh but don’t forget, if you’re living in sin with someone or married to them, you better be willing to still perform your “wifely” duties before passing out. And we moms feel like we have completely and utterly failed if we are not able to perform to these standards. I feel like I have failed.

How have we gotten back to the 1950’s way of thinking? Growing up, we had chores. We helped cook dinner. Our parents didn’t sit playing games with us for hours on end. We had to work in our homes. Now, if you tell your children they must clean or they have a night to cook, you’re failing. We broke free of this way of thinking, and now, those parents who are attempting to get their children to do these things are failing and passing the buck and they are “bad parents”. How dare we ask our children to do a little hard work? This way of thinking is exactly the reason why the world is now filled with the “Me, Me, Me” generation. Today’s kids are all about what’s in it for me? What do I get? Why should I do these things? Why aren’t you doing all of these things? That’s you’re job, you’re the mom. These children will and are growing up with no work ethic. No sense of earning the things they want.

I am fighting this constant battle every day with my girls. I want them to have the worth ethic that I have. That my brother has. That my mother has. We aren’t afraid to put in 12-15 hours in at work. We aren’t afraid to spend a day laboring in our yards so that it looks great for the neighbors or just for ourselves. We aren’t afraid to clean every day so that our home always looks presentable and clean. No, I don’t want a spotless house, but a clean, uncluttered home, yes. Absolutely. And they just don’t get it.

And in them not getting it, comes my “bad mom” label. Because I do get frustrated. I do feel a little resentment. I do wish to have a break. To run away. That doesn’t make me a bad mom. That makes me human. If a friend were doing this to you, you’d feel the same way. If your boss was treating you the same way, you’d feel the same. Just because we gave birth to these beings, doesn’t mean that they are immune. No, we can’t yell and scream and throw things when we feel this way, but it’s ok to feel this way.

Don’t ever tell your children you feel this way because of them. That’s where it differs. You can’t tell your children you want to run away from them. That you resent them. That you need a break from them. Someone I know recently said this (and worse) to their children. And my heart broke. Those words will forever stay in their minds. They may forgive you, but words like that, they will NEVER forget. And I, knowing those words were said, even if not to me, will never forget. It’s having a breakdown and saying those things that make you a bad parent. Not feeling that way every now and then.

 

Pump Up The Volume

The following conversation was had this morning with my daughter while back-combing my hair.

M: Mommy, what are you doing?

Me: Back-combing my hair to add some volume to it.

Silence for a moment

M: I want my hair to talk.

Me: Huh?

M: Well, you’re turning up the volume in your hair so it can talk. I want my hair to talk.

 

My Mind

Sometimes I so wish I could turn my mind off. That I could make it stop thinking for just a few moments. Hell, I’d give anything for just a few seconds. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to fret and over-think about everything. Ok, maybe not everything. You can sometimes tell me something and quiz me a minute later and I’ll have no idea what you are talking about. But anything of importance… I will think and think and think. I will analyze. Come up with all the possible outcomes. Worry too much. Express too much doubt or fear.Waffle back and forth as to whether something is the correct decision. I will decide to do things one way. Five minutes later I will decide to go the other way. And then I will start the decision making process all over again.

It’s EXHAUSTING!!!

I’ve tried to stop. I use various sleeping aids at night to help it at least stop for a little while in hopes of getting SOME sleep. But then my dreams take over. And when I remember certain dreams, I will spend days analyzing them in my head. Trying to figure out their meaning. If there is any meaning at all. Sometimes there are logical explanations. Other times, no explanation can be found and I give up on trying.

And then there are those events, those moments, that send me into a tail spin of thinking. Yesterday was one such day. I won’t go into what all happened. But the day started out great. Well as great as it can when you wake up at 7:30 on your day off. I had an ok day planned, but a great evening awaited. But then slowly, ever so slowly at first, it all started unraveling. And so did I.

Life has been great since January. I’m happy. I’m healthy. I’m not stressed 24/7. But when I spiral down, I spiral fast and hard. Last night was a prime example of that. Something happened that forced, no caused, me to start thinking about where I am. What I want. Who I want. What can I have. What is unattainable. What is attainable but I’ve convinced myself isn’t. And my poor brother had to deal with it. I’m sure he was sick of hearing about it. I’m definitely sure he is sick of me talking about HIM. But I can’t stop thinking about HIM and what could be. Is it attainable? Depends on who you talk to, I guess. And like a foolish woman that I am sometimes, I like to believe it could happen. It might not happen now. It might not happen in six months. It might never happen. But since January I’ve had a renewed hope in life and so I try and hold onto the hope that it will.

But patience has never been my cup of tea. Or coffee. And with HIM I am having to exercise extreme patience. And it’s killing me. It’s causing me to think and think and think. And I’m convinced I’m slowly driving myself insane. Or maybe that’s what like/love/passion is all about. Finding that one person that drives you wildly mad. That’s what the movies and romance novels tell you. But is that real life?I don’t know. Let me think about it.

 

I’m Back

Ok, so I know it’s been almost a month (a month!) since I posted anything. And it’s not because there has been nothing going on. There has. Oh there has. But ever since I moved (yes I moved in case you didn’t know) my wireless card has SUCKED. And when we found out we could get cable and internet and it would cost me the same amount of  money a month, I jumped on it. But then came the problem of my wireless router. I cannot for the life of me remember the password for the network set up on it. Nor can I get it to work by setting up a new network. So I am left to the mercy of the geek squad.

So to answer any burning questions:

1. Yes I am still alive
2. Yes I have a lot to talk about
3. Yes there is a lot I can’t talk about
4. Yes there is a lot I won’t talk about
5. No I won’t even hint as to what it is
6. No I shouldn’t be posting this as work, but when else can I?

Have a great day. And if you’re where I am…Enjoy this PERFECT weather!

OkThanksBye

 

Comfort Zone

In order to live life, experience life, push ourselves, we must step outside of ourselves. Outside of our comfort zones. Push our boundaries. And it’s scary. Because for some, it might not be who you are. You are comfortable inside your zone. You know you are one way, but yet  to truly live, you must step out of being THAT person. I’ve been trying to do that lately. I think I pretty much know who I am, what I want out of life, who I want to be with and be surrounded by in that life. Yet, until I know how to achieve all that I know and want, I feel like I must live life and push myself. Try new things. And while this thought process and way of living is very new, I’m already not liking the way I am feeling inside. I’m not saying that I am doing anything morally or ethically wrong. Not at all. Just living outside my comfort zone.

As I sit here and debate whether I should continue to push myself to experience things and try to work through the uncomfortableness of it all or simply go back to being who I am, I wonder how many others struggle with these feelings. I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m sure any single person has experienced it. Do you continue doing the same things hoping for a different result? No, that’s the definition of insanity. Or do you force yourself to do different things hoping for an unknown result? And yet, still feel like you’re insane?

I’ve wanted to blog about so many things. But I feel like my thoughts are so random, so jumbled (see previous post) that I feel stupid, inarticulate, messy, insane. Even this post is all over the board. And for that I apologize. I sit here, computer at hand, trying to compose myself, my thoughts, but I can’t. Don’t get me wrong. I am soooooooo happy with the life choices I have made since January. Amazingly happy. But with that happiness comes a journey. A journey to find your true place. A journey to find your true friends. A journey to find your true self. And that can be so damn confusing that it’s exhausting.

If you know me, then you know that I am not a patient person. And even more so lately. Because since making all these changes, after wasting so much time, I’ve come to realize how precious and short life is. And I know what I want. And I don’t want to wait. And I’m telling myself don’t waste the time. Don’t wish it away. So often we find ourselves wishing it was Friday when it’s only Monday. And wishing it would be 5:00 PM when it’s only 10:00 AM. I’m guilty of this myself. But I’m trying to change that. But to change that, and to change life, I have to step out of my comfort zone. And I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.

 

Fire, Brimstone & Dams, Oh My!

I have always said that I would soooooooooo take my two girls over two boys any day. That after helping with my two brothers, give me girls. They are so much easier. No arguing. No fist fights. No wrestling matches. But right now, in the throws of having a daughter on the verge of periods and boobs and hair and OMG… the EMOTIONS, I’m not so sure anymore. One minute she is happy, smiling and loving me and her sister. The next, it’s fire and brimstone blazing from her eyes. Almost what seems like pure hatred. And the next, it’s like the Hoover Dam sprang a major leak.

And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to connect to her. I don’t know how to get her to open up. Unless it’s chasing her sister around the house with a baseball bat. Which, oddly, reminds me of my brothers when they were younger. But she won’t talk to me. She lies and tells me nothing is wrong. She’s an awful liar. Everything shows on her face. Kind of like her mom. I can’t hide my emotions. In fact, sometimes my facial expressions show more than even I know I am thinking. So then I think, does she not know what her face is showing? Is she happy and her face just doesn’t show it? No, honestly, her face shows everything.

I just wish she would talk to me. I told her that. Maybe not the best thing, but hey, if nothing, I’m going to be honest with my kids. I told her if she’s not talking to me, I hope she’s talking to someone. She said she was. I asked who. She said her friends. Typical preteen response. I want to be able to help her. To understand what she’s thinking. To help her deal with these swelling emotions. But I can’t until she’s willing to let me. Maybe one day.

I truly don’t remember being this emotional. I’m sure my mother is going to read this, laugh, shake her head and debate as to what kind of comment she can leave on here telling just how WRONG I am. How my memory has failed. Which is why I am documenting B’s time on this blog. So she doesn’t have to worry about remembering if she was this emotional. SHE WILL KNOW!!

 

Needed A Change

Figured it was time to update the look of the blog. Not sure if I’m loving the simplicity of this look. Love the fact that I can put a customer header. Now just need a better photo. That is really, really short and skinny. But for now… we are watching you…

 

Don’t Try To Follow

My thoughts are running wild. Jumping from this and that. Going here. Going there. It doesn’t seem to stop lately. And truth be told, it’s exhausting. I sometimes wish it would stop. However, then there are times when I come up with my most amazing ideas or plans. But sometimes trying to channel these thoughts into a cohesive sentence is difficult. I want to express so much here. Tell the world everything. I’m like that. I share. Sometimes, after, never before, I think I share too much. But hey, it’s me and at least you know who I am and what I am thinking and what I am about. So fair warning, this post is going to jump all over. And not necessarily in any particular order. You’ve been warned.

A lot has been running through my mind. I’ve done a ton of self-reflection. Thought about loves past and loves future. Where I’ve gone wrong and where I’ve gone right. What I will do differently if ever given the chance at love again.

I want to find someone who is interested in me AND my children. Who understands what it’s like to have kids. Which I understand now probably means someone with kids. Not to say I would rule out someone without, but there has to be an understanding and desire.

And speaking of desire, I want love and passion. That kind of you’re exhausted from working and living, but you still fall into the others arms. Happy to be there. Wanting to be there. Loving to be there. The kind of love where you can be standing across the room and see each other and have that look and twinkle in your eye. The love where you can’t wait to see them. See their face. Hear their voice. You can’t drink them in enough. The kind where there is complete passion (must have passion), but where you can also just be happy holding hands or cuddling up next to each other. I love to cuddle. (It’s true. And my last relationship was almost completely void of that. I will most definitely have that.) The kind where jumping in is so scary because you know that it’s true. And you’re afraid to jump in because what if you screw it up? What if it all goes wrong? But you close your eyes and jump anyway, because you know it’s absolutely going to be worth it. It may take awhile. It may take a lot of stolen glances, flirting and teasing, back and forth, starting and stopping. But you get there.

For reasons I will not go into right now (sorry, that’s for later, when I’m more willing to divulge) I have been focusing on a particular moment in my past. Yes, I know it’s not good to focus or live in the past. And I’m not. But there are moments in everyone’s lives that they look at and wonder what if? What if I had said yes instead of no to this person? And what if I had said no instead of yes to this person? You can’t regret the decisions you’ve made. Only learn from them. But this was a moment exactly such. If I had told one person yes and told the other no. How would my life be different? Where would I be? Would I be happier? Would I be sadder? I’ll never know.

Life isn’t full of second chances. In fact, you’re lucky to get a first, a second is a true blessing. There are a few key areas of my life where I truly believe I have been given second chances. And my mind begins to once again race. How to I achieve what I know I can? How can I get what I know I should have? How can I convince others of what should be? The truth is I can’t. But I can hold strong, be patient and know that with time, all good things come. And that with patience, what you truly want and desire will be yours. You can’t pressure people into things. You can’t be aggressive. That’s not true of all cases. Sometimes, it pays to be aggressive. But judge wisely. And in the situations where you can’t, be patient. Be open. It is what it is. And it will be what it will be. But… you can still hope

Life is full of upheaval. Drama. Problems. If it wasn’t, life would be boring. Granted, too much and it can drain your being. We’ve experienced a lot of upheaval in the past few months. And unfortunately, it isn’t stopping. A thing that I thought was a sure bet wasn’t. Life is made up of bets. Sometimes you bet small and win big. Sometimes you bet high and lose even bigger. But all that matters is that you come out even. And if you start to come out even a little ahead, make sure not to be greedy, in life, love, gambling, whatever and know when to get up from the table satisfied with your winnings.