Sunday Quotes

I was thinking how nothing lasts, and what a shame that is.
Some things last.

Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance.

It’s a funny thing about comin’ home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You’ll realize what’s changed is you.

I’m always lookin’ out my own eyes.

Hold fast to the human inside of you, and you’ll survive.

Sometimes we’re on a collision course, and we just don’t know it. Whether it’s by accident or by design, there’s not a thing we can do about it.

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

Only one who can judge you, is you.

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One Year

One year ago yesterday it was snowing. Not just lightly snowing. Blizzard conditions. I had driven the girls to their dad’s at 11:30 PM on Christmas Eve in conditions I would NEVER drive in. But somehow I made it to Happy Valley and back. Yes it took an hour and a half longer than usual, but I made it.

One year ago today everyone stayed home on Christmas Day because of the snow. Too much had fallen and not enough plows had made it out to make driving safe.

One year ago today I was watching the Law & Order: SVU marathon. Because with nothing to do, no one to talk it, and having already watched A Christmas Story a few times that day, it was my only option.

One year ago today I was at home. Not alone, but yet, utterly alone. The girls were not there. No family was around. S was around, but too hungover in bed to do more than occasionally get up for food or to use the bathroom. Those were the only times I saw him. Our relationship was more bare than a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

One year later, yesterday was chaotic. Snow was on the ground, but it was a day old and roads were fine. I was working, running all over town to meet J to load the girls’ Christmas presents from Mom’s house. I was running to pick up the girls from their dad, running them to Grandma’s, racing back to my house to help J set up the Christmas presents, running back to Mom’s to celebrate Christmas Eve together.

One year later today, no new snow had fallen. The girls were here and opening presents. Then it was off to Mom’s to celebrate with those who could not be there last night.

One year later today, it was tons of Wii playing. All of us eager to try out the new Wii game and it literally kicking our ass. All of us laughing and screaming and enjoying the games and food and each other.

One year later today, I wasn’t alone. I was with family and receiving loving Christmas wishes from dear friends. Even without being truly “attached” to someone, I had “someones” sending me texts. Reminding me that I’m not alone. Not as alone as I was last year when I was attached.

One year later today, I am reminded that I no longer have a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. My tree is full and lively and beautiful and loved.

What a difference one year makes.

 

Christmas Blues (But Only Temporary)

Early this week, after one particularly bad work day (and more than one stiff cocktail later), I was reflecting on life, the holidays and I became melancholy. Feeling sad and alone. I was, I am, single this year. It had been far too long. The last time I was single, I still wasn’t because I was hanging out a few guys and had just met S. That was five years ago. This year, I am somewhat, kinda, maybe dating a few guys. It’s hard to say at this point what exactly we are doing. But neither is in a position where I am certain it will turn into something more. Not at this point. So yes, I am alone. And I got sad (I’m strictly blaming the alcohol and pain pill, not my overly emotional self). I was alone. No man. No one to be by my side on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years Eve. No one to buy gifts for.

But then a thought hit me. And it hit me hard. I haven’t had a man for that since my ex-husband. S came to one Thanksgiving with the family and it was such a disaster of a day, I never asked him to come to another holiday function. He never asked to come. And it was better that way. Two separate lives I lived. And when I was with him on a holiday. he was usually drinking entirely too much, sleeping off a hangover, we were fighting or a combination of two. But the fact remained, I haven’t had a man by my side for many, many years. And suddenly I was ok with it. What was different? Yes, last year I had a “boyfriend”, but I didn’t have a man, a companion by my side.

This year, I don’t have that man by my side, but I do have a wonderful friend that makes me smile with every text he sends. That I will leave work in the middle of the day to hang out with (for the record, I’m not slacking, I make up for it when I get home and I had way too many PTO days to burn. In fact, I am still going to lose a few days because I couldn’t use them). But one that I love talking to, hanging out with, laughing with and making him laugh. One that makes me feel like me, respects me and likes me just for who I am. I don’t have to be someone else with him. One that I know for certain will not go anywhere major anytime soon. Both of us have a lot to work through individually before we could even think of working through things together. One that I’m scared to even put all of these things down in writing. Scared to admit to myself that there might be more there than I thought. And one that I’m going to shut up about now.

The bottom line is this. Truly, nothing major has changed. That’s not true. So many major things have happened. But in respect to having “a man” beside me to celebrate, no it hasn’t. Because I haven’t had it. And with that realization, my blues were gone.

 

Sunday Quotes

I don’t mind a reasonable amount of trouble.

I always have a wonderful time, wherever I am, whomever I’m with.

Scars remind us where we’ve been. They don’t have to dictate where we’re going.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

 

All I Want For Christmas

So it’s not that time of year where we frantically search for gift ideas for loved ones and then even more frantically rush to stores to try and find those ideas. It’s also the time of year where we torture those we love with the knowledge we have of what they are getting for Christmas. Occasionally we will give each other clues. Since Bro already knows what he is getting from Mom, giving him clues towards that is no good. So I gave him a clue as to what I bought him. “You will use this every day.” In return, he gave me a clue as to what Mom got me. “You have been jealous of others who have this.” Not too much that I can think of. Two immediately came to mind, and for the record, I told him I didn’t want a yes or no answer on my guesses. A girl needs surprises in her life. The two immediately: an iPhone and a remote starter for my car. Long shots, but both things that I have told Bro to “Fuck Off” for having. But then it got me thinking, what else would I be jealous of that I want for Christmas. So here it is, my Jealousy Christmas List. Please feel free to buy me any of them. I wouldn’t mind.

Obviously the first thing is a devastatingly handsome man who is sweet, fun, great with kids, hilarious, thoughtful, as happy going out for a night on the town as he is sitting at home with a bottle of wine and a movie, successful, great in bed (sorry, Mom!) and is ready for a relationship. But since that’s a fantasy, let’s go with some real life items that can be purchased.

This little number from Victoria’s Secret would make me jealous to see someone wearing it. Simply because I want to wear it for New Years (not that I have any plans, but I bet wearing this dress out would land me a few suitors and could lead to the first wish list item) and I would look so much better in it than any skanky girl that would dare wear it in front of me:

Next on my list would be these kick ass shoes.  And we all know that I have a shoe addiction. These would go great towards helping me kick my habit. I mean how could you top these?

Why with these, of course. These are just too adorable for words. And it should note that these are both more than I usually spend on my shoes, but since this is a jealousy post, I figure all is fair. Besides, all of these are still reasonably priced…well in the grand scheme of things I COULD ask for.

This bag would go perfectly with both pairs of shoes. And as well all know, a girl’s shoes should always match her bag. Well in a perfect world where said girl isn’t a single mom working full time and coming home and still helping with homework, cooking dinner and cleaning house. But I would definitely carry this everywhere, including grocery shopping!

Now, for the practical side (and to be able to look AMAZING in the little black number above, I am requesting these work-out shoes. Because anyone who knows me knows that I am too lazy to actually go work out on a daily basis. Even though I practically have a full gym in my basement.

If anyone is interested in actually buying these for me, just let me know, I am more than happy to supply shoe and dress sizes. And the links for purchasing them. And for the record, these items were all found within about 5 minutes of receiving two emails. Imagine the things I could find with 10 minutes. And if you in fact need a real Christmas list from me, I have no clue what I want. Merry Christmas!

 

Sunday Quotes

My whole life has conspired to bring me to this place, and I can’t despise my whole life. I think I believed that when I met you, I could save you. You, at least, if not myself.

I don’t understand why I’m not dead. When your heart breaks, you should die.

Open the doors, and tell the world the truth.

Life doesn’t care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.

But between you and me, it was the smartest thing I ever did, ’cause now you’re here.

BTW being single does have it’s Perks and Jerks. It may be a crazy life but it is ours and we can make the best of it.

Oh. My. God. It looks like Christmas threw up in our living room.

 

Sunday Quotes

“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year. Except we do, because those bastards went and put Christmas right in the middle, just to punish us.”

“Where have you been all my life?”
“Gift shop.”

“I have an an answer for your question. After this game, win or lose, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Maybe you’re just trying to rush things that can’t be rushed. Sometimes you just got to be patient. Isn’t that how love works?”

 

Giving Thanks

I didn’t fall for the Facebook “Every day post something you’re thankful for” craze. I don’t fall for the “Black Friday” craze…EVER. Nothing is worth that madness. So why am I falling for the “Write a blog post saying what you are thankful for?” Well, because I haven’t seen too many mainstream bloggers writing about it. And because I want to. Because despite whatever drunken bitching I do, there is a lot to be thankful for.

First, obviously, I am thankful for my family. No matter how stupid my decisions, no matter how stupid my actions (drunk or not) are, no matter how bitchy I am, they are there for me. They listen to me. They offer advice. Or they know when not to. They support me. They support my choices. Without them, I’m not sure how I would have made it through the last year.

I am thankful for my daughters. They test me, they push me, they make me laugh, they make me cry, they love me. They are growing into beautiful, intelligent, strong young ladies. Without them, I’m not sure I would have been able to be strong enough to make the decisions I have.

I am thankful to have a job that continues to challenge me and allows me to provide for my family. I work with an amazing group of people. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. I hope this group is together for a long time. We are a great team and can handle anything that is thrown in front of us. Even when we feel like it’s cement hurling at our heads, we get down to it, we get it done and we laugh while we’re at it.

I am thankful to be a boy with boobs. To be part of the Fantastic Four. No matter the mood, no matter reason we go out, the four of us always have a great time and can laugh and make fools of ourselves. I love that the four of us are that comfortable with each other. You three boys are the best and I am thankful to know you and be allowed to tag along. You lift my spirits in ways you will never know. You protect me. You make sure I’m ok. Make sure I’m having a good time. You’ve brought out the me in me again.

I am thankful for my friends. For being there. For also supporting me. And for reminding me that these wonderful individuals would not be my friends if I was the person that one always said I was.

Which brings to what I am most thankful for this year. I am thankful that I FINALLY had the strength, the determination, and the people helping me to get out of the worst place. I stuck around for far too long. I admit that now. I would have admitted it then, but that was admitting defeat. But I didn’t lose. I won. Big. I won back my family, my children, my life. And most importantly I won back me again. I am back to being the Nikki that everyone knows and loves. For far too long I was beaten down, thought nothing of myself, didn’t think I could accomplish anything or be a real parent to my girls. I was repeatedly told that. I now know that I am something. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to and I am a real parent to my girls. I am happy again. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt this happy.

Am I always this happy? No, I have my moments. I have my stress with my kids, with my job, with my wants and desires to be “coupled” again. No, not with him. With someone who loves me for me. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone I can make laugh. Someone with common goals. Someone who loves children. Someone who accepts me faults and all. Because we all have faults. And loving someone means loving them faults and all. Do I have that now? No, but I know it’s out there. And I feel that we will find each other soon enough. And for now, that’s good enough for me. And I’m thankful I can finally say that and not be defined by a man. I don’t need a man to define me. I need a man who compliments me and makes me want to be the person I know I am. And I won’t settle for less.

 

Sunday Quotes

Every day I hear song lyrics or lines from a tv show that make me stop and think. I can relate to them. I FEEL them. Sometimes they make me laugh. Sometimes they make me wish for someone to say them to me.

“If you’re like most people you give till it hurts. Then we give some more.”

“I loved you when we were other couples. I loved you when we were single. I’ve loved you every moment since we met.”

“Every second that I’m with you is about restraint.”

“The world is spinning turning day to night. And my thoughts are running at the speed of light. Got an empty feeling that I never want to fill. Absolutely still”

“And I see underneath your make-up, underneath your pain, you’re free. Why have we focused on the errors? Turn away the mirror and see, you’re beautiful to me.”

 

Cleaning House

When is the last time that you went out with your favorite group of friends on a Saturday night, had some drinks, played some pool, people watched to the point you realize that you are all snobs and then begged a man to let you clean his house? And that’s not euphemism… literally, you begged him to let you clean his house. For me, last night.

It all started out so innocently. Everyone was bored. Phone calls were made. Hey, let’s all go out early, to the old people’s bar, play some pool, hang out and be home early. You know, like they do at the old people’s bar. Hell, we’re even all just going to wear comfy clothes. No dressing up. No impressing anyone. Just go have fun.

We’ve always known one friend is not particularly keen on keeping his house like mine. And it’s ok. Not everyone has to have a clean house. Even mine isn’t spotless, but it’s clean. I tend to go a little anal if there are messes. Just ask Bro or M. They can attest. But what I walked into last night was nothing short of gag worthy. Most of the house was clean. I will give him that. But I am convinced there were several science experiments growing in the kitchen sink. The stench was unbearable. Bro gave him shit…”Dude, your house stinks.” “Yeah dude, I know.” It bothered me so bad, before we left, I took dish soap and squirted it all over the dishes and ran water. Of course, my brother is laughing. “Dude, she’s in here covering your shit in soap.” Just laughing. But I didn’t care. I had to. I felt it was almost a civic duty.

While out, we randomly made jokes about it. I looked at him and told him I really wanted to clean his house. He somewhat laughed and said ok. No, I REALLY want to clean your house. Again, not a euphemism, people.

We left the old people’s bar early. Because, well, that’s what old people do. But decided that we were still young and we were going to go hang out somewhere younger. On the way, I started asking if I could clean his house. No really, please let me clean it. Begging ensued. I was elated! Which, ummm, yeah, I was elated to be cleaning a friend’s house on a Saturday night. I had to be drunk. But I wasn’t. But it needed it, I’m good at cleaning and I’m always there to help a friend in need. I was warned, he was going to be playing video games and Bro could watch a movie or whatever.

So after a few more rounds it was back to the house to tackle the beast. An hour and a half later, two beasts were tackled, the kitchen and the bathroom. Scrub, scrub, scrub. Whiskers and toothpaste and scum, oh my.