Single Mom’s Life

Life’s been hectic…if you couldn’t tell by the last few posts. And it seems, when my life gets that crazy, I tend to feel like I’m losing control. I start having little panic attacks or mini breakdowns. It scares me. I feel like, at any moment, things could just crumble around me. My heart starts racing. My mind starts racing. I begin to think of all the things that could go wrong. Worst case scenarios. Things that will probably never happen in a million years, but nonetheless, I’m thinking them. And it can be little things that set me off. Someone not returning a phone call or a text in a timely manner. Then I start to think, are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Did something happen to them? Why aren’t they responding? What’s wrong? Something happens at work. Maybe something beyond my control or not even my fault. But shit, am I going to lose my job? Is someone else going to lose their job? No, I’ve been assured, I am perfectly safe. In fact, please don’t leave. We cannot afford to lose you. But that doesn’t stop the thoughts. The fears in every aspect of life.

I only bring this up because these feelings are happening more and more. And it’s probably simply because life has been hectic more and more. I’m over-analyzing every little detail. BP hasn’t responded about the girls. Are they ok? Do they not want to see me? My family hasn’t called. Are they pissed at me for not being able to come around? Because I can’t focus on other areas of my life right now? My mind is constantly racing and I can’t stop it. It’s exhausting, to say the least.

And because my mind is racing, I’m not sleeping. Which only leads to further exhaustion. My brother came over last night, after a particularly long week. And yes, I was exhausted. His first kind words to me “Man, you look like shit. So why do you look like such shit?”

“Works been crazy. Life’s been crazy.”

“So that’s it. Work and life?”

Umm ya. Shouldn’t that be enough of an answer? It’s enough of the truth. It seems just as one thing settles down, another creeps up in it’s place. Meetings, deadlines, soccer games, car crashes. No, not me. S wrecked his jeep on Wednesday. Smack dab in the middle of chaos. He’s fine. The jeep, not so much. Thankfully, that day, I had come home for lunch because S had a business meeting. So M was home with me when it happened.

S has handled wrecking his baby quite well. I was shocked. I’m not so sure I would have been so calm. But, like he said, at the end of the day, it’s just a car. Our life, our home, our family is what matters most. That made me feel good. And calmer. Not completely calm, but somewhat, Because even if it seems like life is crashing down around us, we’ll get through it. I’ll get through it. There may be pain. Damages. Repairs. But life will come back together. Things can be fixed and put back together. And maybe, just like the jeep, it will be better than before.

“I know what a prick is now!” – M

Oh how I wish there was a fantastic story to go with that statement. A great story about meeting a truly awful man that was the epitome of a prick. Or saying that to the guy at work that you’ve been yearning to call a prick. Instead, all I have to offer is this:

M & S made a deal when she came home. She would be given a choice of five dares a day that she could choose from and have to do one. It’s included sucking on her own toe for 30 seconds, putting S’s dirty, sweaty underwear on his nephew’s head, and so on. This kid will do anything for a dare or $2.

It was time for Wednesday evenings list of dares. The first dare was 15 pricks with a pine needle. “What’s a prick?” This, of course, made S & me giggle. I went on to explain that a prick is a little poke and I poked her. Simple enough and she got the idea. S told her to go grab a pine needle and he would show her. She kept saying no. He said he’d show her what he was talking about. And she responded with “I know what a prick is now!”

It was so innocent on her part. But to us, it had a double meaning. And we laughed. I laughed like I hadn’t in awhile. There hadn’t been so much to laugh about. But this, my child talking about knowing what a prick was, made my day. Here’s hoping she never knows a prick by any other definition.

It honestly seems like just yesterday I was shuttling kids off to school, being the “good” mom and volunteering to help with Field Day. Bundling up because it was June and still freezing outside. And yet, here we are, over two months later and we are not one week and three days away from school starting up again, three days away from M’s first soccer game of the season and what has happened? Where did my six weeks of freedom to sleep in, laze around, not have to worry about school and schedules go? Where were the camping trips and sunning myself in the backyard? I feel like it’s been a few weeks, not a few months.

Work, which is usually somewhat busy, but not chaotic, has ruled my life. Tons of new projects that have to be completed NOW. Don’t get me wrong, I’m learning a lot of new and exciting things. My brain is being worked and challenged. And I LOVE that. I hate when a job becomes mundane and tedious. But man, has it ever taken its toll! I’m exhausted all the time. I’m working late. I have no time to focus on anything else. Much to others chagrin, I’m sure. I apologize. I’m being monopolized and there’s not much I can do about it. If I have neglected you, please accept my apologies and know that I too hope it will settle down some soon.

But even if work settles down, life isn’t. School starts. Soccer starts. Drums and piano lessons still happen. Yes, even if it settles down in one area of life, another is right there to pick up the pace once again. Breathe in, breathe out.

So what did happen during this whirlwind of a summer? The girls were gone for six weeks. M came home for the summer, but B stayed with her dad. We felt they needed some time apart. It also gave us a chance to work with M on manners, behavior, attitude, etc. And while I felt we were making some amazing progress, she seems to somewhat have lapsed back into old habits when B came home. Mind you, they were great because they knew if they weren’t, Lagoon would be yanked away like last year. But that fun was yesterday. Today, M is whining and complaining and throwing semi-fits. I hope it’s strictly from being exhausted from yesterday. If not, we’re in for some rough times.

Speaking of M, things happened for her this summer as well. Her drum instructor said she is progressing nicely but was being hindered by having a small electronic drum kit. She was ready for a real drum kit. So one Thursday night, S and I took the plunge. We ordered her a real kit. This meant no more quiet practices, no plugging in of the headphones. It was time for ear plugs and a lot of patience. She loves it. She bangs and created beats. She rocks out. And since B has come home, they have had jam sessions of drums, piano and singing. Adorable. I love it. And so do they.

To go along with her rocker mentality, she cut her hair. SHORT. But it looks so grown up and fun. We were at the mall tonight and a lady working at one of the counters SHOUTS out that she LOVES M’s hair. How cute it is. M beamed. She’s been getting compliments left and right. We made her a deal that if she did a rocker cut, we would buy her the temporary hair color sprays to really “punk” out. I have a feeling, we are going to have to buy stock in this hair spray. But hey, if it helps her get into the mood and have fun, it’s worth it. I’ll post a pic here soon.

B, not much has changed with her. Except that she is now only 7 inches shorter than I am…at age 11! At this rate, she’ll be taller than me by next year. Once again, someone in my family eclipses me in the height department. I should be used to it by now. But then again, I’m not short for a woman. Normally, 5 ft 7 in is good. But not in my family. I still hold out hope that M will be as tall or shorter than me. At least if B is the same size as me next year, we can save some money and just share clothes. Ahhh…a bright side!

S, well, he’s been around a lot more than usual. A summer sabbatical from work. Wish I knew what that was like. Well, from one job at least. He still has to do the weekend job. But 20 hours a weekend isn’t tough. And while it’s been nice, it’s been an adjustment. I’m used to having nights every other week alone. Me time. Time to relax and rejuvenate. And I haven’t been getting that time. Maybe that’s another reason I’m not handling the stress at work so well. No time alone. Yes, I realize that in a normal relationship you don’t have those breaks. But when you usually get them, and then you don’t, it’s hard. More bitching…I know. Oh well. When he’s gone, I’ll miss him too. And complain about how we are two ships passing in the night…or morning as our schedules dictate.

That’s life in a nutshell. Flying by so fast, we hardly have time to stop and breathe. I’m afraid that I’m going to blink and the girls will be in high school and driving and telling me daily how much they hate me. And how unfair I am. Truth be told, they are probably saying it under their breath now…at least then it will be to my face.

To look at her, would you guess that she can destroy a whole room in under 5 minutes? Or that she could chew up any number of CDs? Or chew a hole in the carpet in the living room? Or how about a cup, a whole roll of paper towels and a rake handle in one night? Yes, my friends, this little cutie has done it all. I cannot tell you how many CDs Ginger has destroyed, despite my attempt to follow behind S or the girls and keep them picked up. She can jump onto anything. She can turn on the radio in the garage. And, though we should have known better than to leave a roll of paper towels on the shelf in the garage, she managed to get up there, grab the roll down and shred and scatter it all over the garage and backyard. Along with the rubber handle of a rake and a cup or two. It just took me 45 minutes of picking up tiny (and huge) pieces of paper towels out of the yard and garage.

We love this puppy. She’s only 7 months old. We realized that we would go through this chewing and destroying stage. But it’s been happening since the day we brought her home. Leave her alone for more than 5 minutes and you are bound to have a mess somewhere in the house. She hasn’t mistaken the carpet for grass in awhile. But I fear that’s only because we don’t allow her in the house for any extended amount of time. Which is the complete opposite of what we are used to. Kia can be left in the house full time and nothing destroyed. Leaving a dog outside for the most part is not how we “parent”.

I keep telling S that she needs formal training. Our efforts are not paying off like we had hoped. She has learned some things. For instance, for the most part, we can open the gate or garage door and she will stick around the circle. She will sit (sometimes). She can go her own way, unlike Kia who has to be under your feet at all times. She has not (or at least doesn’t acknowledge us) learned to listen when her name is called. She is defiant and will look at you and stare. She will not drop the ball when she has beat Kia to it during play time. I end up running after the ball to get it back. She does occasionally run outside of the circle. Which then results in at least 10 minutes of chasing her through the neighborhood. She has not learned to not chew on whatever is within a 5 mile radius of where she is.

If she weren’t so damn cute, I’m afraid my patience would have already run out. But she does things, and just when you’re ready to scream, she hoots like an owl, makes a sound like Gizmo, or just poses and gives you a happy “smile”. Then your heart melts. And you continue cleaning up her mess with a smile.

This is my reasoning for why I have not blogged in awhile. It’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It’s not because I’m burning my PTO before August 31st. It’s not because I’m swamped and working 10-12 hour days. No my friends, it’s because I’ve been reliving these days:

No, I never auditioned for America’s Got Talent. Sadly I never danced for The Hoff. But this video probably best illustrates what we did do. And the crowd reactions that we got. The only thing missing was the men in the audience: “Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhh. Ooouuuccchhh. That is just not natural.”

And when I saw the video, I actually missed those days. How great of shape I was in. The friends I had. The thrill of performing. Challenging my mind to learn an entire dance in 2 hours. The flexibility! I could kick my foot past my head. I would watch a 30 minute TV show sitting in my right splits, then when the next TV show came on, I would switch to my left splits. Hell, I even did homework while sitting in the splits. Now the only splitting I do is splitting a candy bar with a friend.

I’ve thought about starting to stretch again and gain it all back. I actually had decent flexibility until I had surgery and lost 12 lbs in a few weeks. Then it was over. Flexibility was no longer a part of my life. I’ve thought about once again taking an adult dance class. The problem with the one I took, it had women who had never before danced so the pace at which the class was taught was unbearable slow for those of us who have danced.

It’s been 12 years since the days of being an Eaglette. But every time I think about it or see a drill team from Texas (yes Texas. Things were done right there. Utah drill teams are nothing..sorry if you’re on one, but go watch a Texas team perform and you’ll understand) I have a bit of nostaglia. I won’t say times were more simple back then. They weren’t. Life was tough. As life is now. But I had an escape. An outlet. A passion. I was happy for a few hours. Even if I was calling our instructor a bitch under my breath.

Maybe it’s time to revive that passion. No, I’m not talking about going back to high school and trying out for a drill team. Although I still have my drill team uniform and yes I can still fit into it. Makes a great last minute Halloween costume. But start dancing. Even if it’s in my own backyard or living room. Choreograph little routines for the girls.

It’s time to put on my dancing shoes.