Single Mom’s Life

I remember when I first found out. I was scared. I was crying. I was happy. I was overwhelmed. I was only 18. What did I know about having and raising a child? Not much. And now? I still don’t think I know much. But parenting is a constant learning process.

You were due on Easter, March 30, 1997. But you made your appearance a day early, after 8 minutes shy of 24 hours of labor. After one failed epidural and one successful epidural. After over an hour of pushing. March 29, 1997 was a day that would change my life forever. In a great way.

You were a great 1st baby. Didn’t keep me up all night. Were happy. You were ambitious. Commando crawling at 5 1/2 months. Walking at just over 8 months. Nothing was going to stop you.

And now, you’re 12. Growing up way too fast. You’re kind, sweet, very intelligent and very sensitive. Which, I’m going to be honest, is somewhat of a challenge sometimes. Because in this growing up, you’re emotional. You’re eager to grow up. See exhibit #1 below.

But inside, you’re still a kid. Don’t let go of that too soon. Because one day, faster than you can imagine, you will be all grown up. It will be time for you to go out on your own. To leave home.

It’s a scary world out there. One I’m not sure your father and I have been truly successful in teaching you how to handle. We keep trying. We keep talking. We can only hope that one day, it will all sink in and make sense. And that the things we’ve told you and taught you will come in handy. Please never be afraid, now or when you’re on your own, to come and ask questions. Or just talk to us. We are pretty easy and laid back. We’ve experienced a lot of things. Learn from our mistakes.

I know that you and your sister are clashing of late. She likes to push buttons and you aren’t quite sure how to properly react or not react as to give her the satisfaction. But trust me when I tell you, there are times that you actually get along. See exhibit #2 below.

As you celebrate today, never forget the following. I love you. Your sister loves you. Your family loves you. Hold on to your passions. Find more passions. Whether it’s school, piano, flute, soccer, whatever. The world is your oyster. You are a beautiful, intelligent young woman. No, not woman, hold on to the girlie side. Don’t rush. Because life comes at you fast. And before you know it, you’re a beautiful, intelligent young adult.

You’re almost there. Enjoy it. Happy Birthday!

Sometimes we have to get a little messed up
before we can truly step up.

Lately, I have been accused of being a maneater, untrustworthy, a cheater, heartless, the queen of mean. The list goes on and on. And is not true, at least according to those who actually know me. Of course, many of you can figure out by who. It doesn’t take a scientist. And while I no longer value or care about what this person thinks (their view of me and the world has been distorted from Day 1), it still cuts a little.

All my childrens lives I’ve tried to teach them to be nice, not to name call, to put themselves in others shoes. To see how they would feel if someone said something mean about them. I don’t think they’ve totally grasped the concept, maybe I’m not that great of a teacher, but some of it has sank in, I think.

I’ve always told them that sticks and stones may break their bones but words will never hurt me. It’s a great mantra, really. But it’s not true. Not by a long shot. As much as one wants to shrug off mean and/or vicious words, you can’t. Once they’ve been said and once you have heard them, they are in your brain, in your memory, in your heart. And they do hurt. Sometimes, they cut deep.

What does one do when confronted with biting words? Do you retaliate? Do you cry? Do you get mad? Do you ignore it? Do you take a moment and reflect and try to decide if in fact what they are saying is true? Maybe you do all of the above. I know I have. Sometimes all in one conversation. I have no right answer. I can’t tell you how to react. I can tell you how I want to react. How I have started to react. Do take that moment. Reflect on what was said. Is it true? Is it false? But take it one step further. Look at who said it to you. Why did they say it? What was their motivation? If it was simply constructive criticism, then reflect and see how you can change you. If they were angry and being mean, still take that moment to reflect, but take it more with a grain of salt. Chances are, that person is trying to hurt you. Damage you. Make you feel less of yourself. But still reflect, see if there is some semblance of truth to it, and change if need be. If not, shrug it off, write it off, and possibly write that person off. Because chances are, they are toxic and shouldn’t be in your life.

I’m learning as I go. Life is a constant lesson. This is my latest lesson I have learned. One I hope my children don’t have to learn. One that they can just take my advice on. But I know better than that. They will have to live it. They will have to learn it. But remember, girls, sticks and stones. And maybe, a glass of wine.

I’ve been telling you all day long how it’s your birthday squared. It’s 3.3.09, which means that 3 squared (times 3 since you probably don’t understand) equals nine. You turned 9 today.

9 Years ago today you came into this world. It was an easy labor (compared to your sister). 5 hours of labor. 1 hour of waiting for the doctor to get out of surgery to deliver you. Less than 15 minutes of pushing (compared to 1 hour with your sister). One “Tuesday” push as the doctor put it. He made me mad. Told me my first push was a Tuesday push. When I asked what that was he told me that if I kept pushing like that we’d be there until Tuesday. It made me want to cry and made me mad all at the same time. It was my first push in three years. How dare he say that. But what he said accomplished what he wanted. He wanted me to really get into pushing. Really get into bringing you into this world. And it worked. You arrived. Arrived to a room full of people. Your daddy, sister, Grandpa and Grandma P and your Grandma K were all there. Grandpa J was hauling ass from Vegas to get there, but he was a few hours too late. But he got here. And we all celebrated.

You’re a pistol. No one is going to deny that. You are head strong. Determined. Smart beyond your years. You definitely challenge us. But you are beautiful. Funny as can be. You’re always a guarantee for a laugh. Our lives wouldn’t be the same without you. And for that, I am forever grateful.

I know the last few years haven’t been easy for you. They’ve had their ups and their downs. Their trials and their tears. And for that, I will forever apologize for. But you’ve made it through. You’ve persevered. You’ve kept me strong. Given me laughter through tears. Cried with me. Supported me. Even in your young years. You make me so proud. You are growing into such a strong, beautiful, intelligent, wonderful young girl.

Happy Birthday, Baby. I love you.