Single Mom’s Life

In order to live life, experience life, push ourselves, we must step outside of ourselves. Outside of our comfort zones. Push our boundaries. And it’s scary. Because for some, it might not be who you are. You are comfortable inside your zone. You know you are one way, but yet  to truly live, you must step out of being THAT person. I’ve been trying to do that lately. I think I pretty much know who I am, what I want out of life, who I want to be with and be surrounded by in that life. Yet, until I know how to achieve all that I know and want, I feel like I must live life and push myself. Try new things. And while this thought process and way of living is very new, I’m already not liking the way I am feeling inside. I’m not saying that I am doing anything morally or ethically wrong. Not at all. Just living outside my comfort zone.

As I sit here and debate whether I should continue to push myself to experience things and try to work through the uncomfortableness of it all or simply go back to being who I am, I wonder how many others struggle with these feelings. I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m sure any single person has experienced it. Do you continue doing the same things hoping for a different result? No, that’s the definition of insanity. Or do you force yourself to do different things hoping for an unknown result? And yet, still feel like you’re insane?

I’ve wanted to blog about so many things. But I feel like my thoughts are so random, so jumbled (see previous post) that I feel stupid, inarticulate, messy, insane. Even this post is all over the board. And for that I apologize. I sit here, computer at hand, trying to compose myself, my thoughts, but I can’t. Don’t get me wrong. I am soooooooo happy with the life choices I have made since January. Amazingly happy. But with that happiness comes a journey. A journey to find your true place. A journey to find your true friends. A journey to find your true self. And that can be so damn confusing that it’s exhausting.

If you know me, then you know that I am not a patient person. And even more so lately. Because since making all these changes, after wasting so much time, I’ve come to realize how precious and short life is. And I know what I want. And I don’t want to wait. And I’m telling myself don’t waste the time. Don’t wish it away. So often we find ourselves wishing it was Friday when it’s only Monday. And wishing it would be 5:00 PM when it’s only 10:00 AM. I’m guilty of this myself. But I’m trying to change that. But to change that, and to change life, I have to step out of my comfort zone. And I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.

I have always said that I would soooooooooo take my two girls over two boys any day. That after helping with my two brothers, give me girls. They are so much easier. No arguing. No fist fights. No wrestling matches. But right now, in the throws of having a daughter on the verge of periods and boobs and hair and OMG… the EMOTIONS, I’m not so sure anymore. One minute she is happy, smiling and loving me and her sister. The next, it’s fire and brimstone blazing from her eyes. Almost what seems like pure hatred. And the next, it’s like the Hoover Dam sprang a major leak.

And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to connect to her. I don’t know how to get her to open up. Unless it’s chasing her sister around the house with a baseball bat. Which, oddly, reminds me of my brothers when they were younger. But she won’t talk to me. She lies and tells me nothing is wrong. She’s an awful liar. Everything shows on her face. Kind of like her mom. I can’t hide my emotions. In fact, sometimes my facial expressions show more than even I know I am thinking. So then I think, does she not know what her face is showing? Is she happy and her face just doesn’t show it? No, honestly, her face shows everything.

I just wish she would talk to me. I told her that. Maybe not the best thing, but hey, if nothing, I’m going to be honest with my kids. I told her if she’s not talking to me, I hope she’s talking to someone. She said she was. I asked who. She said her friends. Typical preteen response. I want to be able to help her. To understand what she’s thinking. To help her deal with these swelling emotions. But I can’t until she’s willing to let me. Maybe one day.

I truly don’t remember being this emotional. I’m sure my mother is going to read this, laugh, shake her head and debate as to what kind of comment she can leave on here telling just how WRONG I am. How my memory has failed. Which is why I am documenting B’s time on this blog. So she doesn’t have to worry about remembering if she was this emotional. SHE WILL KNOW!!

Figured it was time to update the look of the blog. Not sure if I’m loving the simplicity of this look. Love the fact that I can put a customer header. Now just need a better photo. That is really, really short and skinny. But for now… we are watching you…

My thoughts are running wild. Jumping from this and that. Going here. Going there. It doesn’t seem to stop lately. And truth be told, it’s exhausting. I sometimes wish it would stop. However, then there are times when I come up with my most amazing ideas or plans. But sometimes trying to channel these thoughts into a cohesive sentence is difficult. I want to express so much here. Tell the world everything. I’m like that. I share. Sometimes, after, never before, I think I share too much. But hey, it’s me and at least you know who I am and what I am thinking and what I am about. So fair warning, this post is going to jump all over. And not necessarily in any particular order. You’ve been warned.

A lot has been running through my mind. I’ve done a ton of self-reflection. Thought about loves past and loves future. Where I’ve gone wrong and where I’ve gone right. What I will do differently if ever given the chance at love again.

I want to find someone who is interested in me AND my children. Who understands what it’s like to have kids. Which I understand now probably means someone with kids. Not to say I would rule out someone without, but there has to be an understanding and desire.

And speaking of desire, I want love and passion. That kind of you’re exhausted from working and living, but you still fall into the others arms. Happy to be there. Wanting to be there. Loving to be there. The kind of love where you can be standing across the room and see each other and have that look and twinkle in your eye. The love where you can’t wait to see them. See their face. Hear their voice. You can’t drink them in enough. The kind where there is complete passion (must have passion), but where you can also just be happy holding hands or cuddling up next to each other. I love to cuddle. (It’s true. And my last relationship was almost completely void of that. I will most definitely have that.) The kind where jumping in is so scary because you know that it’s true. And you’re afraid to jump in because what if you screw it up? What if it all goes wrong? But you close your eyes and jump anyway, because you know it’s absolutely going to be worth it. It may take awhile. It may take a lot of stolen glances, flirting and teasing, back and forth, starting and stopping. But you get there.

For reasons I will not go into right now (sorry, that’s for later, when I’m more willing to divulge) I have been focusing on a particular moment in my past. Yes, I know it’s not good to focus or live in the past. And I’m not. But there are moments in everyone’s lives that they look at and wonder what if? What if I had said yes instead of no to this person? And what if I had said no instead of yes to this person? You can’t regret the decisions you’ve made. Only learn from them. But this was a moment exactly such. If I had told one person yes and told the other no. How would my life be different? Where would I be? Would I be happier? Would I be sadder? I’ll never know.

Life isn’t full of second chances. In fact, you’re lucky to get a first, a second is a true blessing. There are a few key areas of my life where I truly believe I have been given second chances. And my mind begins to once again race. How to I achieve what I know I can? How can I get what I know I should have? How can I convince others of what should be? The truth is I can’t. But I can hold strong, be patient and know that with time, all good things come. And that with patience, what you truly want and desire will be yours. You can’t pressure people into things. You can’t be aggressive. That’s not true of all cases. Sometimes, it pays to be aggressive. But judge wisely. And in the situations where you can’t, be patient. Be open. It is what it is. And it will be what it will be. But… you can still hope

Life is full of upheaval. Drama. Problems. If it wasn’t, life would be boring. Granted, too much and it can drain your being. We’ve experienced a lot of upheaval in the past few months. And unfortunately, it isn’t stopping. A thing that I thought was a sure bet wasn’t. Life is made up of bets. Sometimes you bet small and win big. Sometimes you bet high and lose even bigger. But all that matters is that you come out even. And if you start to come out even a little ahead, make sure not to be greedy, in life, love, gambling, whatever and know when to get up from the table satisfied with your winnings.