Sometimes I so wish I could turn my mind off. That I could make it stop thinking for just a few moments. Hell, I’d give anything for just a few seconds. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to fret and over-think about everything. Ok, maybe not everything. You can sometimes tell me something and quiz me a minute later and I’ll have no idea what you are talking about. But anything of importance… I will think and think and think. I will analyze. Come up with all the possible outcomes. Worry too much. Express too much doubt or fear.Waffle back and forth as to whether something is the correct decision. I will decide to do things one way. Five minutes later I will decide to go the other way. And then I will start the decision making process all over again.

It’s EXHAUSTING!!!

I’ve tried to stop. I use various sleeping aids at night to help it at least stop for a little while in hopes of getting SOME sleep. But then my dreams take over. And when I remember certain dreams, I will spend days analyzing them in my head. Trying to figure out their meaning. If there is any meaning at all. Sometimes there are logical explanations. Other times, no explanation can be found and I give up on trying.

And then there are those events, those moments, that send me into a tail spin of thinking. Yesterday was one such day. I won’t go into what all happened. But the day started out great. Well as great as it can when you wake up at 7:30 on your day off. I had an ok day planned, but a great evening awaited. But then slowly, ever so slowly at first, it all started unraveling. And so did I.

Life has been great since January. I’m happy. I’m healthy. I’m not stressed 24/7. But when I spiral down, I spiral fast and hard. Last night was a prime example of that. Something happened that forced, no caused, me to start thinking about where I am. What I want. Who I want. What can I have. What is unattainable. What is attainable but I’ve convinced myself isn’t. And my poor brother had to deal with it. I’m sure he was sick of hearing about it. I’m definitely sure he is sick of me talking about HIM. But I can’t stop thinking about HIM and what could be. Is it attainable? Depends on who you talk to, I guess. And like a foolish woman that I am sometimes, I like to believe it could happen. It might not happen now. It might not happen in six months. It might never happen. But since January I’ve had a renewed hope in life and so I try and hold onto the hope that it will.

But patience has never been my cup of tea. Or coffee. And with HIM I am having to exercise extreme patience. And it’s killing me. It’s causing me to think and think and think. And I’m convinced I’m slowly driving myself insane. Or maybe that’s what like/love/passion is all about. Finding that one person that drives you wildly mad. That’s what the movies and romance novels tell you. But is that real life?I don’t know. Let me think about it.